Four years had passed giving me what I desperately
needed to heal, the only friend that helped me through my most difficult
challenges in life, time. The past few years proved to be challenging for
me as I struggled to imagine the rest of my life with my husband.
Accepting his daughter who was conceived through an affair proved to be
even more difficult. I was trying. My time hidden away from family,
friends, and colleagues placed me into darkness fighting the anger and hurt
within. I cried, often. I tried to keep a journal and believed that
I was releasing my sorrows in words to a sheet of paper, my other friend who
listened without judgment or sympathy or doubt. But even further down in
my soul I hurt for more than just this heartache caused by my husband. I
yearned for my own child, my true love, my new beginning. I had to find
peace with my husband to be truly ready to try to have a child with him.
But could I have a child? Being married for over 11 years and
still, no child of our own? All of those years in our marriage, I
dedicated myself only to my career all while hoping that someday I will become
pregnant. The clock was ticking as I grew older and the stress of it all
only jeopardized my chances of it. It was time, time to put all this
behind me, focus on my marriage and try to create our new beginning.
My husband and I
finally decided to seek out medical counsel to aid our efforts in having a
child. I decided to see a specialist who was affiliated with my employer
at the time; I felt that was the best decision since there was a connection.
After waiting months for a consultation with the doctor the much
anticipated meeting came to be with so much anxiety and excitement. I was
asked many personal questions by the nurse and some I felt were justified,
others not so much. But when it came to the question of my husband's
children, it went too far, I thought. One of the initial questions asked
of me was how many years we had been married, "11 years" I proudly
responded. "How old are his children?" she asks while looking
down at her paper tablet taking notes. I explain the oldest is 17 years
old and his youngest is three years old. Her eyes finally looked upon me,
glaring at me above her glasses repeating my words in a question, "three
years old?” Finally we make eye contact as most of the time she spent
looking down, but the contact her eyes made upon me was filled with judgment
and disgust. "So he had a child with someone else while you two were
still married?" She spent the remainder of the meeting questioning
my decision to have a child with someone who had a child with another woman during our
marriage. Before I was introduced to the doctor, it was clear the nurse
shared 'notes' with her since the doctor questioned if this was something I
really wanted. I left the office feeling judged upon, punished, and
ashamed, embarrassed. And so after that mental punch in my gut, I straightened
myself up and I made an appointment with a different specialist, outside
of my network, prepared for the same shame and embarrassment that came from the
first. I thought maybe that is just part of the questioning process and
they want to make sure I really am ready to bring a child into the world
despite our challenges. The second specialist I met with proved me so
wrong. She was like an angel, so genuine, so friendly and down to earth,
helpful, explaining in detail and making it so easy to understand the process
to come. She asked the ages of his children, too and she got all she
needed from my answer. It was enough to satisfy the question that he may or
may not be able to have children, now. She did not linger any further in
regards to that. She wanted to help me, she wanted to help us, and I felt
that from her, at least her kindness made me feel that way. It was
beginning. We were finally on our way, together, hopefully.
Each day in our
journey towards becoming pregnant felt so long and uneasy. I often prayed for an angel from above to choose me as his/her mother. I found words in music of Adele to relate to as I pleaded to this child to trust in me and believe in me that I will give my all as a mother. I wanted to
skip all the medical necessities of testing and medications and blood draws and office visits and
anxiety that came with the process as directed by the doctor. I just wanted to hear the words "you're
pregnant", I desperately wanted to see the test stick read positive. I yearned for a child of my own to call me, mommy. The expense of it all began to lay heavy on our finances but I continued
to juggle our bills the best I could until I knew we could no longer do so.
Our first attempt to conceive under doctor’s counsel was so anticipated.
I followed all directions with strict and disciplined eagerness and my
husband did the same. The time came to test after our first attempt. Sitting in the doctor’s
office waiting for the results was so painstaking. As I looked upon the
dim lighted walls lying on the reclined patient chair I read messages of
support. Support for couples who may miscarriage or who are simply unable
to conceive. I thought to myself how difficult and painful that could be
and imagined the many women who sat in the very chair I was sitting in who felt
that pain. I hoped that I would never have to seek out that support.
Our first attempt failed. It was explained to me
that we will try again, to be patient and expect this to happen many times. I explained to the nurse as my eyes filled with tears to tell the doctor I can only
try one more time, we cannot afford to continue failing and I am not strong enough to go through it repeatedly. While driving
home from the doctor's office I am filled with sadness and disappointment, I was surprised by the sudden phone call from my doctor. I explain that our second try may be the last, and as
I spoke those words to her she heard the crackling in my voice. I tried hard
to speak clearly, but my crying was heard and felt through. I parked my car hoping to find a moment to refresh myself and gain composure as she asked me, "Are you crying?” I did not answer, and
she continued to talk giving me words of encouragement and strength.
"We are going to get through this, together" she said explaining that it does not always happen so quickly and to not give up.
I cried in the car, parked in front of that old, ignored landmark restaurant hoping to not be
seen by employees and visitors walking in and out of the main doors. I listened to her with tears running down my face and mumbled acknowledgement as she spoke.
She was not just my doctor anymore; she was my support through this.
I was so grateful to her at that moment, and always.
The time came to learn of my
future, of our future, it was time to take the second test. I was given a home pregnancy test to use on a
specific day, early morning. Of course I was so anxious throughout
the night to take the test I hardly slept and was up much earlier than normal.
My husband always wanted us to test together, but I never wanted him to
see my sadness when the test result came back negative. I took the test, alone.
I thought my eyes were still filled with sleep because I could not
believe what I was seeing. So many tests I've taken throughout the years,
all negative. I used to cry every time
but then just got used to it, expected it. But not on this day, it was
positive! I woke up my husband whispering with excitement "wake up...
Look at this; does it look positive or negative to you?" I asked. He
looked much focused at it and replied with a hopeful surprise, barely awake as he whispered, "positive". I still could not believe it and it
seemed he could not believe it either. We had to wait a few days before
we could accurately confirm it at the doctor’s office, but in the meantime we
had to test again to satisfy our doubt. And to our surprise, it was a positive read, again. I
felt my husband's excitement as he mentioned that he wanted to save the test
stick! I thought, "Gross", but happy to feel how special this
was for him, too. I was overwhelmed with excitement; happiness... nothing
else mattered to me anymore, I thought. I felt happy and it seemed I could focus on
our future, together, without the anger, hatred and sadness that overcame me
those past few years. It was a special time for me and I wanted to enjoy
every second of it.
I do everything
right, I follow the right diet, better managing my health and stress
level, exercising accordingly; I am desperate to have a successful pregnancy.
I am thankful that my prayer had been answered. I finally had the best reason to take my mind off my
husband’s infidelity and the child that came from it. I was no longer as
bitter about the communication he had with his daughter’s mother to schedule visits,
not like before. I began trying to accept his new normal, his time spent
with his daughter on their own time as I prepared for my own child, our child.
I had ideas for the open bedrooms in our home, how things will change,
how we would prepare, what we need to purchase, make... so many things.
My mind was so inundated with ideas and vision.
A few months after I learn of my pregnancy I am told
that his daughter would be moving in. Her mother got into legal trouble
and rather than a foster home for their daughter, she could be with her father temporarily until her mother was able to care for her again.
I was so accustomed with my husband seeing his daughter on his own time, without
me, that was easy for me to deal with. Now the reality of her being in my
home with us seemed to have set me back, I was not ready to face the past so
loud and clear in front of me, in my sanctuary where I hid from it all that
time. Now she is here, she being the child that resulted from his affair,
now she is mine to care for, too. I forgot my happiness and excitement
for a time and drifted to that pain that came after I learned of his affair.
I allowed anger and hatred to seep into my soul again and put towards him. I was
selfish as I only wanted in my vision what I was so accustomed to seeing and the
result of his affair was not a part of it, in person. But in mind she was
always a part of it. I questioned, shouldn't this make me happier to have a second child come into my life? Is she too, a
part of my new beginning?
When the rain is
blowing in your face
And the whole world
is on your case
I could offer you a
warm embrace
To make you feel my
love
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one
there to dry your tears
I could hold you for
a million years
To make you feel my
love
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do
you wrong
I've known it from
the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind
where you belong
I'd go hungry, I'd go
black and blue
I'd go crawling down
the avenue
No, there's nothing
that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my
love
The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of
regret
Though winds of
change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen
nothing like me yet
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I
wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the
earth for you
To make you feel my
love
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