Anger and hatred has never left me. It has always been here, scarring my soul
with ugly dark cuts throughout. It has
been over 2 years since his daughter moved in.
What was supposed to be 6 months up to a year seems to be
indefinite. Her mother has failed to fulfill
all necessary requirements to prove she is ‘fit’ to have her daughter returned
to her as dictated by the foster care authorities. And so this child, my husband’s daughter who
was conceived through an affair, my unexpected addition into our home, into my
life, has been forcing me without her knowing it, to deal with and accept my
husband’s betrayal onto me. I truly
believed I was over it, or on my way.
With the pregnancy and birth of my daughter I felt I can get through
this. But every day that passes only
fills me with more anger and hate. I am
angry towards my husband for all of it and I am angry towards my husband’s
ex-mistress for not getting her life together and raising her own daughter or
at least supporting us in doing so. She
enjoys her playtime with her daughter 3 days a week for 3 hours each day. Nine hours total is what she is committed to
as dictated by foster care specialists in supervised visits. She does not help with clothing, food,
supplies or guidance- supporting her daughter’s learning challenges, teaching
her cleanliness and personal hygiene practices, nothing. Her time is play time and everything else is
up to me or her dad-my husband. I was
never asked how I felt about their daughter being brought into our home, she
was simply dropped off. I was certainly nowhere
in their thoughts as he impregnated his ex-mistress, nowhere in their thoughts
as he penetrated himself into her again and again, not thinking of the
consequences. And yet I am expected to raise their child in my home, in my
life. This is not what I wanted;
certainly not how I imagined my life. I
am so angry, I feel the burning inside. This worthless bitch can open her legs
and enjoy the feeling of being fucked by my husband, but she can’t take care of
the responsibility that came with it, not even part time. I hate what he has put me through, I hate how
he does not recognize how painful and fucked up all of this is to me. I hate that his ex-mistress has no sense of
responsibility only ignorance and denial.
I hate all of it…. I hate it, hate it, and hate it!
Where did I go? I’m gone.
The only love I have and the only positive feelings I have are towards
my daughter. She is the only one who
sees me; I am not me to anyone else, not anymore. What do I do? I am lost in
this ugliness. I am lost in this dark
hatred. I am a fake filled with false happiness
and positivity. How the fuck can I get
my soul back in one piece and not broken up or scarred for life? I am desperate for a cure to rid this ugly
disease called anger and hate. I am
desperate for me to come back.
